Last night I was finally climbing into bed when I heard the television remote control fall to the floor with a thump. Damn. I leaned over the edge of the mattress and peered around in the dark, trying to spot it, but I couldn’t see it at all. What the hell? I just heard it fall, it couldn’t have gone that far!

I switched on the (totally cool) lava lamp next to the bed. It’s got glitter in it so it casts a very dim light over the room – enough for me to hopefully see the remote without disturbing the darkness of the night. I looked around on the floor, but still couldn’t see it. Now this was starting to bug me, so, reluctantly, I got out of bed and, on my hands and knees, looked under the bed in case it had somehow ended up under there.

I saw something black and reached for it, assuming it was the remote.

I quickly recoiled. It was not the remote.

Please don’t be poop, please don’t be poop, was all I was thinking as I took the lava lamp out of its socket so the full glare of the bulb would light up the room. I peered under the bed again.

Not poop, it was a hairball. Possibly a few days old. Dry and disgusting.

Luckily it didn’t stain the carpet. As hairballs go, it was actually not too bad. It’s not often Puddy coughs up a hairball, but when she does – and it’s fresh – it’s enough to make me gag. Obviously Puddy figured coughing one up under the bed meant she could keep it for a while, since it’s not often I venture under there. Thanks, cat.

Once my clean-up was done (don rubber gloves, pick up hairball with a tissue, spray carpet, lightly scrub with a damp towel, dab dry), I realised I still didn’t know where the remote was. With the room now lit up, I scanned the entire floor.

Turns out it had fallen off Phill’s side of the bed, not mine.

Puddy entered the room and came over, obviously interested in what I was doing on my hands and knees, halfway under the bed. She sniffed around the spot where she’d left her present, looked at me for a moment then jumped up onto the bed and curled up next to Phill.

Point taken.